To The Guy In My Heart: Part 1

I’ve known you for a year and a half, we worked together in the same store. I hated you at first. You were so loud, narcisstic, and obnoxious I could hear you across the store. 

Then one day I didn’t hate you anymore, I don’t know what changed my mind, but I looked forward to hearing your loud voice booming over the other noises and I silently begged for you to come over and hug me. Then when my close friend passed away you were the first person to ask my parents if I was okay because you were genuinely concerned about my well-being. 

After I quit I didn’t talk you until I ran into you at a bookstore a few months later. You seemed surprised to see me and hugged me even though I was soaked from the rain outside. You asked how I was doing and I told you I was depressed and suicidal, again you were there for me and said you were always available to talk to. I never reached out to you though since I feared that I would be a bother and you actually didn’t care. 

A few more months passed and I started working in the same store again. You were one of the first people to talk to me again. Like always you hugged me and we talked. When you walked me to my car after work you asked me to kiss you and I was taken aback by the question. I never assumed you showed any interest in me. I just thought that you treated me the same way you treat everyone else so I said no and drove away. You asked every day after work after that. Your dedication was charming and I found myself wanting to follow through with your request. So I did. 

Kissing you felt so good. Maybe because it was because I hadn’t kissed anyone for months after my breakup but I never wanted it to end. I felt your hand desperately grab at me trying to pull me closer to you. I never felt so wanted in my life. I went to your apartment that night. We didn’t have sex because I was too nervous but we cuddled and kissed and it felt so good. 

While I was there you told me you always thought I was beautiful but you were too scared to say anything. You showered me in affection and compliments and I could feel me being drawn more and more towards you. I hoped you felt the same about me as we shared secret kisses during and after work.

The following week yuou cancelled last minute on some plans we made and I cried in the parking lot for what felt like hours. I felt so betrayed and used. I didn’t want anything to do with you anymore because I thought you saw me as some kind of whore. I even cried about you at work and my manager tried to give me some advice on the situation. 

I confronted you about it though and you were genuinely sorry we didn’t go out. You promised me we would some other time and I felt ashamed for overreacting so much. I tried to distance myself from you for a while to try and get a hold of myself. It worked for a bit but then the distance was too much for me and it started to affect my work. 

Now we are back to normal and everything seems okay. I can only hope it stays that way as we continue on this weird rollercoaster. 

Contemplating Love

It feels as if I am meant to spend my whole life searching for love; trying to fulfill my craving for the feeling. However, how can I crave something I am sure I have never had? In Maslow’s hierarchy of needs it is the third tier so obviously the need for love is embedded into humans.

Growing up I assumed my parents loved me despite the constant physical abuse I endured. Now, though, I am not so sure. The abuse has stopped now that I am an adult but I can’t help but hate them a little bit because of what they did. As a kid I assumed that my parents loved me because I am their child and how could a parent not love their own kid. Then sometime in middle school I started thinking how messed up it was and how you shouldn’t resort to hitting and kicking to discipline a child. Thanks to our past we aren’t as close as I would like. I wish I had a healthy, close relationship with them- like the ones you see in movies or read about in books. Life isn’t a book or a movie though.

Another time I thought I found love was with my first boyfriend. I didn’t start dating until college which wasn’t by choice; I guess no one wanted to date me before then. Anyways, when we started dating I was unsure about everything. I second guessed his motives multiple times and I wondered if he ever liked me. I know my self consciousness played an important role in our break up because, now, I realize the strain it must have put on him on his side of the relationship. After the break up my anxiety skyrocketed- as if it could’ve gotten any worse. I told myself that he never loved me and he was just using me. I told myself that it was because I was so messed up no one could love me. I told myself that I blew the only chance I had at love because that was the only person in my mind to ever actually show interest in me. We are still close friends though and I know for a fact he does care about my well being considering he did talk me out of suicide. A part of me is still broken though from our break up.

There was one more time a little after I tried to let myself be with someone to find love. Nothing ever happened with this guy other than a few kisses here and there and some whispered nothings in the middle of the night, but then one day when we had plans he cancelled last minute and all of a sudden my world came crashing down. I realize that my reaction was a little extreme but in that moment of time it felt like I was being abandoned and used. I hated myself for getting so attached to him and allowing him to hurt my feelings. Oddly enough I am still friends with this guy too. We never talked about what happened that day he cancelled and the flirting came to a stop. My best guess is that he simply lost interest in me.

Now I know that you can also get love from your friends as well and I do have plenty of friends. They always tell me how much they love me and how much I mean to them but after so many people saying things and acting differently I find it hard to believe them. My therapist says it is just my anxiety telling me that they don’t love me and I agree with her. I know how much my friends and I value each other- especially after the death of one.

Maybe my issue isn’t that I am not loved but that I don’t allow myself to feel loved.

The Story of How I Met My Boyfriend

Over Thanksgiving of 2016 a friend of mine, Marie, had a friend from Michigan visit her. At the time I had just finished talking to some Tinder boy and was ready to stay single for a while to save myself from the stress of trying to pursue a relationship with some dumb guy. However that all changed when I met Marie’s friend, Alexander.

When I first met him I was singing along to Christmas carols at work and had a ridiculous elf hat on; to this day I still do not understand how he found me cute at all but to each their own I guess. After spending 30 minutes with me at work we all finally left to go get dinner and that’s when things took a turn. I was aware that Alexander found me attractive and Marie had pulled me aside and told me that he wanted me to go over to his hotel afterwards. I was is complete and utter shock. This stranger who I had just met not even an hour ago wanted me to go over to his hotel? I was disgusted at first thinking that he was just going to use me as some kind of hookup but after a few hours of convincing from Marie I decided to take the leap of faith and go over.

When I got there I immediately pulled Marie into the bathroom and started panicking. I was afraid that Alexander couldn’t be trusted or he would force me to do something I was uncomfortable with. Thankfully, Marie is a lot like me and spent a few minutes trying to reassure me before she left. She told me that I was in good hands and he is only wanting to get to know me better. So after I made her go out and tell him what I was comfortable she left and I was alone with him.

Not going to lie the first couple of minutes were probably the most awkward minutes of my life. We sat on opposite sides of the bed and didn’t even speak to each other for a while. Eventually one of us broke the tension and we ended up cuddling in bed. I was already feeling like a cheap piece of ass but I let it happen because I was attracted to him. We kissed a bit and did a few things that, looking back at it, I’m not proud I did after I had just met this guy but it was all worth it because we decided to try dating after that even though it was going to be long distance and hard.

Which, by the way, long distance is exhausting. But to me Alexander is worth it because I love him and he makes me happy. There are a lot of times that I think we should break up because it is so taxing but I would be so unhappy if we did that. Love is a choice and loving him is a choice I make everyday-even if I am mad at him.