We talked today for the first time in a while.
I asked what you were up to and you told me about these girls you’ve been fooling around with. I remember when I used to be that girl. The girl you would make out with and want to date. It hurt me. It hurt me a lot actually.
I didn’t expect to cry over it because I thought I was doing a good job with getting over you. Obviously I was wrong. For an hour I cried imagining you with this other girl, both of you tangled in each others arms. I wondered if it was like kissing me. If you had the same physical reactions towards her touch as you did with mine. The thoughts consumed me. They consumed me to the point that I had a breakdown in the middle of my class and had to excuse myself to go to bathroom.
You told me details about this girl- which isn’t your fault. I asked for them to compare myself to this new girl. I know it’s unhealthy. I shouldn’t be comparing myself to her. Even though you have interest in the both of us (or well in my case had interest) that doesn’t mean we are comparable. We are both different humans with different lives and personalities.
I don’t hate the new girl. In fact I don’t even hate you. I hate myself. I hate myself for crying all day over this. I hate myself for being hurt by this even though I also hurt you by telling you about my romantic endeavours. Why am I hurting so much over this? I feel ridiculous for being so emotional about the whole ordeal. I should be happy you are trying to move on, as you are with me. I should support your choices.
I feel like I can’t though. I want you to come back to me. The crazy part of me is tempted to move where you live so we can maybe work things out and get back together since it was the distance that separated us in the first place. However I know that’s ridiculous. I know that is just me thinking irrationally because as much as I hate to admit it I am terrified at the thought of people leaving me and to me this is like you permanently throwing me away now.
I don’t know what purpose this serves other than for me to ramble about the thoughts that have fogged my mind all day. I know she is probably with you now. I know she is what is taking up your time and you left our conversation hanging. I can probably assume you guys will do something tonight, it’s a valid assumption. So now I’m here, stuck in my mind trying as hard as I can to not think about the possibilities- trying not to let the pain and other emotions eat me alive. I would ask a friend to hang out for a while to get my mind off of things before I do anything irrational but they are all busy.
I guess I’m just going to have to deal with this alone for now. Maybe I’ll try to sleep but I’m scared that my dreams will be haunted with images of you and this new girl. I am lost. I don’t know what to do.
You hurt me everytime you talk about wanting someone else. Everytime you bring up someone flirting with you or how you want to make out with other people.
I should be over you. I know that. We broke up in April. I shouldn’t feel a painful stab in my heart anytime you bring up things like that anymore. I wish I was over you. I don’t want to feel this pain over someone who probably doesn’t feel the same about me when I tell him my endeavours with the guy from my local deli.
I am completely over you until you bring up things like that. So I guess that means I’m not over you at all.
I want to tell you. I want you to know how much you are hurting me and how much I still want you. However I know better. I know not to because you are going to get upset and I would rather suffer in silence that have you upset at me.
Honestly I shouldn’t be talking to you anymore. I should cut all ties with you because I know for a fact it would be better for me. I would finally have peace in my heart and live without the daily reminder of your existence and that you are spending that existence not loving me back.
Unfortunately for me I can’t. Well not can’t but won’t. I won’t because we have the same friends and I don’t want them to choose one or the other. I won’t because you state how you rarely talk to people but still talk to me every day and I don’t want you to feel alone. I won’t because there is one pathetic part of me that hopes maybe one day you will want to come back to me and I want to be there waiting for you with open arms.
You hurt me so much but I’ll never let you know just how much to save you from the pain you cause me.
I thought by now I would be over you. I thought by now the pain wouldn’t be so strong. I was sadly mistaken.
I miss you. I miss talking to you. I miss the happiness you gave me and the love I felt for the first time in my life. I especially miss staying up late talking on the phone about random topics or how our days were.
Whatever we had is gone now though. There is no hope for it coming back and I think that’s what especially hurts the most. You aren’t going to come back for me. You don’t care about me. You don’t love me anymore.
A huge part of me feels pathetic that I still think about you. I feel pathetic that I still feel like we could get back together one day.
The saddest part is that if you asked me to take you back I would, in a heartbeat. I would do it despite the pain and the heartbreak and all the countless nights I spent crying myself to sleep wishing you were here in my bed holding me like you once did. I would take you back because I still love you and you still own a place in my heart.
It feels as if I am meant to spend my whole life searching for love; trying to fulfill my craving for the feeling. However, how can I crave something I am sure I have never had? In Maslow’s hierarchy of needs it is the third tier so obviously the need for love is embedded into humans.
Growing up I assumed my parents loved me despite the constant physical abuse I endured. Now, though, I am not so sure. The abuse has stopped now that I am an adult but I can’t help but hate them a little bit because of what they did. As a kid I assumed that my parents loved me because I am their child and how could a parent not love their own kid. Then sometime in middle school I started thinking how messed up it was and how you shouldn’t resort to hitting and kicking to discipline a child. Thanks to our past we aren’t as close as I would like. I wish I had a healthy, close relationship with them- like the ones you see in movies or read about in books. Life isn’t a book or a movie though.
Another time I thought I found love was with my first boyfriend. I didn’t start dating until college which wasn’t by choice; I guess no one wanted to date me before then. Anyways, when we started dating I was unsure about everything. I second guessed his motives multiple times and I wondered if he ever liked me. I know my self consciousness played an important role in our break up because, now, I realize the strain it must have put on him on his side of the relationship. After the break up my anxiety skyrocketed- as if it could’ve gotten any worse. I told myself that he never loved me and he was just using me. I told myself that it was because I was so messed up no one could love me. I told myself that I blew the only chance I had at love because that was the only person in my mind to ever actually show interest in me. We are still close friends though and I know for a fact he does care about my well being considering he did talk me out of suicide. A part of me is still broken though from our break up.
There was one more time a little after I tried to let myself be with someone to find love. Nothing ever happened with this guy other than a few kisses here and there and some whispered nothings in the middle of the night, but then one day when we had plans he cancelled last minute and all of a sudden my world came crashing down. I realize that my reaction was a little extreme but in that moment of time it felt like I was being abandoned and used. I hated myself for getting so attached to him and allowing him to hurt my feelings. Oddly enough I am still friends with this guy too. We never talked about what happened that day he cancelled and the flirting came to a stop. My best guess is that he simply lost interest in me.
Now I know that you can also get love from your friends as well and I do have plenty of friends. They always tell me how much they love me and how much I mean to them but after so many people saying things and acting differently I find it hard to believe them. My therapist says it is just my anxiety telling me that they don’t love me and I agree with her. I know how much my friends and I value each other- especially after the death of one.
Maybe my issue isn’t that I am not loved but that I don’t allow myself to feel loved.
Over Thanksgiving of 2016 a friend of mine, Marie, had a friend from Michigan visit her. At the time I had just finished talking to some Tinder boy and was ready to stay single for a while to save myself from the stress of trying to pursue a relationship with some dumb guy. However that all changed when I met Marie’s friend, Alexander.
When I first met him I was singing along to Christmas carols at work and had a ridiculous elf hat on; to this day I still do not understand how he found me cute at all but to each their own I guess. After spending 30 minutes with me at work we all finally left to go get dinner and that’s when things took a turn. I was aware that Alexander found me attractive and Marie had pulled me aside and told me that he wanted me to go over to his hotel afterwards. I was is complete and utter shock. This stranger who I had just met not even an hour ago wanted me to go over to his hotel? I was disgusted at first thinking that he was just going to use me as some kind of hookup but after a few hours of convincing from Marie I decided to take the leap of faith and go over.
When I got there I immediately pulled Marie into the bathroom and started panicking. I was afraid that Alexander couldn’t be trusted or he would force me to do something I was uncomfortable with. Thankfully, Marie is a lot like me and spent a few minutes trying to reassure me before she left. She told me that I was in good hands and he is only wanting to get to know me better. So after I made her go out and tell him what I was comfortable she left and I was alone with him.
Not going to lie the first couple of minutes were probably the most awkward minutes of my life. We sat on opposite sides of the bed and didn’t even speak to each other for a while. Eventually one of us broke the tension and we ended up cuddling in bed. I was already feeling like a cheap piece of ass but I let it happen because I was attracted to him. We kissed a bit and did a few things that, looking back at it, I’m not proud I did after I had just met this guy but it was all worth it because we decided to try dating after that even though it was going to be long distance and hard.
Which, by the way, long distance is exhausting. But to me Alexander is worth it because I love him and he makes me happy. There are a lot of times that I think we should break up because it is so taxing but I would be so unhappy if we did that. Love is a choice and loving him is a choice I make everyday-even if I am mad at him.