You Hurt Me

You hurt me everytime you talk about wanting someone else. Everytime you bring up someone flirting with you or how you want to make out with other people. 

I should be over you. I know that. We broke up in April. I shouldn’t feel a painful stab in my heart anytime you bring up things like that anymore. I wish I was over you. I don’t want to feel this pain over someone who probably doesn’t feel the same about me when I tell him my endeavours with the guy from my local deli.

I am completely over you until you bring up things like that. So I guess that means I’m not over you at all. 

I want to tell you. I want you to know how much you are hurting me and how much I still want you. However I know better. I know not to because you are going to get upset and I would rather suffer in silence that have you upset at me. 

Honestly I shouldn’t be talking to you anymore. I should cut all ties with you because I know for a fact it would be better for me. I would finally have peace in my heart and live without the daily reminder of your existence and that you are spending that existence not loving me back. 

Unfortunately for me I can’t. Well not can’t but won’t. I won’t because we have the same friends and I don’t want them to choose one or the other. I won’t because you state how you rarely talk to people but still talk to me every day and I don’t want you to feel alone. I won’t because there is one pathetic part of me that hopes maybe one day you will want to come back to me and I want to be there waiting for you with open arms.

You hurt me so much but I’ll never let you know just how much to save you from the pain you cause me.

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I Miss You

I thought by now I would be over you. I thought by now the pain wouldn’t be so strong. I was sadly mistaken.

I miss you. I miss talking to you. I miss the happiness you gave me and the love I felt for the first time in my life. I especially miss staying up late talking on the phone about random topics or how our days were. 

Whatever we had is gone now though. There is no hope for it coming back and I think that’s what especially hurts the most. You aren’t going to come back for me. You don’t care about me. You don’t love me anymore.

A huge part of me feels pathetic that I still think about you. I feel pathetic that I still feel like we could get back together one day. 

The saddest part is that if you asked me to take you back I would, in a heartbeat. I would do it despite the pain and the heartbreak and all the countless nights I spent crying myself to sleep wishing you were here in my bed holding me like you once did. I would take you back because I still love you and you still own a place in my heart.

Contemplating Love

It feels as if I am meant to spend my whole life searching for love; trying to fulfill my craving for the feeling. However, how can I crave something I am sure I have never had? In Maslow’s hierarchy of needs it is the third tier so obviously the need for love is embedded into humans.

Growing up I assumed my parents loved me despite the constant physical abuse I endured. Now, though, I am not so sure. The abuse has stopped now that I am an adult but I can’t help but hate them a little bit because of what they did. As a kid I assumed that my parents loved me because I am their child and how could a parent not love their own kid. Then sometime in middle school I started thinking how messed up it was and how you shouldn’t resort to hitting and kicking to discipline a child. Thanks to our past we aren’t as close as I would like. I wish I had a healthy, close relationship with them- like the ones you see in movies or read about in books. Life isn’t a book or a movie though.

Another time I thought I found love was with my first boyfriend. I didn’t start dating until college which wasn’t by choice; I guess no one wanted to date me before then. Anyways, when we started dating I was unsure about everything. I second guessed his motives multiple times and I wondered if he ever liked me. I know my self consciousness played an important role in our break up because, now, I realize the strain it must have put on him on his side of the relationship. After the break up my anxiety skyrocketed- as if it could’ve gotten any worse. I told myself that he never loved me and he was just using me. I told myself that it was because I was so messed up no one could love me. I told myself that I blew the only chance I had at love because that was the only person in my mind to ever actually show interest in me. We are still close friends though and I know for a fact he does care about my well being considering he did talk me out of suicide. A part of me is still broken though from our break up.

There was one more time a little after I tried to let myself be with someone to find love. Nothing ever happened with this guy other than a few kisses here and there and some whispered nothings in the middle of the night, but then one day when we had plans he cancelled last minute and all of a sudden my world came crashing down. I realize that my reaction was a little extreme but in that moment of time it felt like I was being abandoned and used. I hated myself for getting so attached to him and allowing him to hurt my feelings. Oddly enough I am still friends with this guy too. We never talked about what happened that day he cancelled and the flirting came to a stop. My best guess is that he simply lost interest in me.

Now I know that you can also get love from your friends as well and I do have plenty of friends. They always tell me how much they love me and how much I mean to them but after so many people saying things and acting differently I find it hard to believe them. My therapist says it is just my anxiety telling me that they don’t love me and I agree with her. I know how much my friends and I value each other- especially after the death of one.

Maybe my issue isn’t that I am not loved but that I don’t allow myself to feel loved.