The Other Girl

We talked today for the first time in a while.

I asked what you were up to and you told me about these girls you’ve been fooling around with. I remember when I used to be that girl. The girl you would make out with and want to date. It hurt me. It hurt me a lot actually.

I didn’t expect to cry over it because I thought I was doing a good job with getting over you. Obviously I was wrong. For an hour I cried imagining you with this other girl, both of you tangled in each others arms. I wondered if it was like kissing me. If you had the same physical reactions towards her touch as you did with mine. The thoughts consumed me. They consumed me to the point that I had a breakdown in the middle of my class and had to excuse myself to go to bathroom.

You told me details about this girl- which isn’t your fault. I asked for them to compare myself to this new girl. I know it’s unhealthy. I shouldn’t be comparing myself to her. Even though you have interest in the both of us (or well in my case had interest) that doesn’t mean we are comparable. We are both different humans with different lives and personalities.

I don’t hate the new girl. In fact I don’t even hate you. I hate myself. I hate myself for crying all day over this. I hate myself for being hurt by this even though I also hurt you by telling you about my romantic endeavours. Why am I hurting so much over this? I feel ridiculous for being so emotional about the whole ordeal. I should be happy you are trying to move on, as you are with me. I should support your choices.

I feel like I can’t though. I want you to come back to me. The crazy part of me is tempted to move where you live so we can maybe work things out and get back together since it was the distance that separated us in the first place. However I know that’s ridiculous. I know that is just me thinking irrationally because as much as I hate to admit it I am terrified at the thought of people leaving me and to me this is like you permanently throwing me away now.

I don’t know what purpose this serves other than for me to ramble about the thoughts that have fogged my mind all day. I know she is probably with you now. I know she is what is taking up your time and you left our conversation hanging. I can probably assume you guys will do something tonight, it’s a valid assumption. So now I’m here, stuck in my mind trying as hard as I can to not think about the possibilities- trying not to let the pain and other emotions eat me alive. I would ask a friend to hang out for a while to get my mind off of things before I do anything irrational but they are all busy.

I guess I’m just going to have to deal with this alone for now. Maybe I’ll try to sleep but I’m scared that my dreams will be haunted with images of you and this new girl. I am lost. I don’t know what to do.

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You Hurt Me

You hurt me everytime you talk about wanting someone else. Everytime you bring up someone flirting with you or how you want to make out with other people. 

I should be over you. I know that. We broke up in April. I shouldn’t feel a painful stab in my heart anytime you bring up things like that anymore. I wish I was over you. I don’t want to feel this pain over someone who probably doesn’t feel the same about me when I tell him my endeavours with the guy from my local deli.

I am completely over you until you bring up things like that. So I guess that means I’m not over you at all. 

I want to tell you. I want you to know how much you are hurting me and how much I still want you. However I know better. I know not to because you are going to get upset and I would rather suffer in silence that have you upset at me. 

Honestly I shouldn’t be talking to you anymore. I should cut all ties with you because I know for a fact it would be better for me. I would finally have peace in my heart and live without the daily reminder of your existence and that you are spending that existence not loving me back. 

Unfortunately for me I can’t. Well not can’t but won’t. I won’t because we have the same friends and I don’t want them to choose one or the other. I won’t because you state how you rarely talk to people but still talk to me every day and I don’t want you to feel alone. I won’t because there is one pathetic part of me that hopes maybe one day you will want to come back to me and I want to be there waiting for you with open arms.

You hurt me so much but I’ll never let you know just how much to save you from the pain you cause me.

I Miss You

I thought by now I would be over you. I thought by now the pain wouldn’t be so strong. I was sadly mistaken.

I miss you. I miss talking to you. I miss the happiness you gave me and the love I felt for the first time in my life. I especially miss staying up late talking on the phone about random topics or how our days were. 

Whatever we had is gone now though. There is no hope for it coming back and I think that’s what especially hurts the most. You aren’t going to come back for me. You don’t care about me. You don’t love me anymore.

A huge part of me feels pathetic that I still think about you. I feel pathetic that I still feel like we could get back together one day. 

The saddest part is that if you asked me to take you back I would, in a heartbeat. I would do it despite the pain and the heartbreak and all the countless nights I spent crying myself to sleep wishing you were here in my bed holding me like you once did. I would take you back because I still love you and you still own a place in my heart.

Your Ghost

Memories of you haunt me. 

Some days I don’t think about you at all or what happened between us and all the pain it brought to me. I can think clearly on those days. I feel like the sun when it finally breaks through the clouds after it has rained for days.

Other days you’re all I can think about. It feels like I’m drowning in my own mind. Drowning in darkness because that’s what you left behind. The pain I felt settles on my chest, the heaviness of it makes me feel like I can’t breathe. 

I wonder if you ever get that way too. I wonder if I haunt your mind the same way you haunt mine. Maybe you don’t remember me at all. Maybe you got the pleasure of being able to move past the pain and hurt, to be able to live like usual. I’m not going to lie I hope you do feel the pain sometimes. I know it makes me a bad person but I want you to suffer like I do. 

My whole life I believed in ghosts. I never had any experiences with the paranormal but I always thought they existed. What if ghosts aren’t only the lost, tormented souls of people who have passed. What if ghosts are also the memories of people, the memories of what those people left behind that will sneak up on you in moments of weakness. Those ghosts reside in the crevices of your mind and roam the vast emptiness of your heart. 

I wish I wasn’t haunted by your ghost and I don’t know how to get rid of it.

Contemplating Love

It feels as if I am meant to spend my whole life searching for love; trying to fulfill my craving for the feeling. However, how can I crave something I am sure I have never had? In Maslow’s hierarchy of needs it is the third tier so obviously the need for love is embedded into humans.

Growing up I assumed my parents loved me despite the constant physical abuse I endured. Now, though, I am not so sure. The abuse has stopped now that I am an adult but I can’t help but hate them a little bit because of what they did. As a kid I assumed that my parents loved me because I am their child and how could a parent not love their own kid. Then sometime in middle school I started thinking how messed up it was and how you shouldn’t resort to hitting and kicking to discipline a child. Thanks to our past we aren’t as close as I would like. I wish I had a healthy, close relationship with them- like the ones you see in movies or read about in books. Life isn’t a book or a movie though.

Another time I thought I found love was with my first boyfriend. I didn’t start dating until college which wasn’t by choice; I guess no one wanted to date me before then. Anyways, when we started dating I was unsure about everything. I second guessed his motives multiple times and I wondered if he ever liked me. I know my self consciousness played an important role in our break up because, now, I realize the strain it must have put on him on his side of the relationship. After the break up my anxiety skyrocketed- as if it could’ve gotten any worse. I told myself that he never loved me and he was just using me. I told myself that it was because I was so messed up no one could love me. I told myself that I blew the only chance I had at love because that was the only person in my mind to ever actually show interest in me. We are still close friends though and I know for a fact he does care about my well being considering he did talk me out of suicide. A part of me is still broken though from our break up.

There was one more time a little after I tried to let myself be with someone to find love. Nothing ever happened with this guy other than a few kisses here and there and some whispered nothings in the middle of the night, but then one day when we had plans he cancelled last minute and all of a sudden my world came crashing down. I realize that my reaction was a little extreme but in that moment of time it felt like I was being abandoned and used. I hated myself for getting so attached to him and allowing him to hurt my feelings. Oddly enough I am still friends with this guy too. We never talked about what happened that day he cancelled and the flirting came to a stop. My best guess is that he simply lost interest in me.

Now I know that you can also get love from your friends as well and I do have plenty of friends. They always tell me how much they love me and how much I mean to them but after so many people saying things and acting differently I find it hard to believe them. My therapist says it is just my anxiety telling me that they don’t love me and I agree with her. I know how much my friends and I value each other- especially after the death of one.

Maybe my issue isn’t that I am not loved but that I don’t allow myself to feel loved.

Goodbye…

“Tell me that we will work this out,” I begged.

The harsh wind was whipping at my loose, golden hair. Cold air bit at my skin and I wished I had dressed warmer before coming outside. I continued to stare at Beckett; his midnight black hair blended in with the shadows surrounding us. His ice blue eyes seemed to twinkle like the stars in the sky above us.

I was naive to think that anything between us would work out but I believed we could overcome anything- that our love was enough. My heart ached for his love, my body yearned for his touch; I wonder if he ever felt that way towards me. I would’ve done anything for him: thrown away everything I was working on, leave the life I knew, move to a strange place, anything. Apparently he wouldn’t have done the same for me. Apparently I wasn’t enough for him.

A part of me knew this was going to be the end, that whatever we had was over; severed by his decision to leave. I still wanted to fight for us though. Everything in me screamed to fight for him- to fight for us. I could feel my heart breaking the longer we stood there staring at each other. I knew I had to memorize every part of him before he left forever. I took in his messy hair my fingers were knotted in just hours before, his hands that fit perfectly in mine, his beautiful bright eyes, the lips that I craved the kiss of, and his tall frame. I remembered his hug that made me feel like I was at home and the feeling of his warm body against mine as we slept.

I did not bother to wipe away the tears I let escape. I hoped that maybe, if he saw me crying, he would realize the mistake he was making. I wanted to see any reaction in him but I was not given that privilege. He stood there as stoic as ever. I could barely tell if he was breathing or not. He seemed like a statue. I hated that about him; I hated that even as I was breaking in front of him he still never showed any emotion towards me. Maybe I was dead to him already- I may as well be.

I was starting to wonder how long we were going to stand here staring at each other. Perhaps he was also trying to remember me or maybe he was hoping for me to leave first so I would be the one who turned away and ended everything. I could feel the cold air starting to settle in my vulnerable heart and burrow itself deep into my bones.

The longer I stood there I felt myself start to hate him more and more. I hated him for giving up so easily. I hated him for leading me on for so long. I hated myself the most though… for falling in love with him and for being so weak that by him leaving made me broken and lost. I should’ve listened to the people who told me I was making a mistake. I should have never agreed to meet him in his room the fateful night he came to town. I was stupid for doing what I did and as much as I hate him now in this moment, I hate myself more.

Maybe he could sense the sudden change in my emotion because he took a step back from me. That one single step shattered the pieces of my already broken heart. I watched as he took a deep breath and run his hand through his hair. He was stressed, as he should be. He knew what would come after this. He knew the damage was almost done. I waited to see if he was going to say anything to me but he just stood there staring.

More tears were coming out now. A painful sob ripped from my throat and I hoped the howling wind was loud enough to conceal it. My petite body was trembling from the cold and also from the emotions raging inside me. Fear now coursed through my veins. How will everyone else react when they find out, what do I do now that it’s over? Everything I knew for the past few months was now being ripped away from me. I decided that I had enough of him wasting more of my time and turned on my heel.

I was almost to the door when I heard him clear his throat. My hand paused in mid air as I was reaching for the doorknob. A glimmer of hope sprung out of the darkness of my heart but it was quickly buried again when the wind carried his words to me.

“I’m sorry Whitney,” he paused for a moment before continuing,”goodbye.”

 

The Story of How I Met My Boyfriend

Over Thanksgiving of 2016 a friend of mine, Marie, had a friend from Michigan visit her. At the time I had just finished talking to some Tinder boy and was ready to stay single for a while to save myself from the stress of trying to pursue a relationship with some dumb guy. However that all changed when I met Marie’s friend, Alexander.

When I first met him I was singing along to Christmas carols at work and had a ridiculous elf hat on; to this day I still do not understand how he found me cute at all but to each their own I guess. After spending 30 minutes with me at work we all finally left to go get dinner and that’s when things took a turn. I was aware that Alexander found me attractive and Marie had pulled me aside and told me that he wanted me to go over to his hotel afterwards. I was is complete and utter shock. This stranger who I had just met not even an hour ago wanted me to go over to his hotel? I was disgusted at first thinking that he was just going to use me as some kind of hookup but after a few hours of convincing from Marie I decided to take the leap of faith and go over.

When I got there I immediately pulled Marie into the bathroom and started panicking. I was afraid that Alexander couldn’t be trusted or he would force me to do something I was uncomfortable with. Thankfully, Marie is a lot like me and spent a few minutes trying to reassure me before she left. She told me that I was in good hands and he is only wanting to get to know me better. So after I made her go out and tell him what I was comfortable she left and I was alone with him.

Not going to lie the first couple of minutes were probably the most awkward minutes of my life. We sat on opposite sides of the bed and didn’t even speak to each other for a while. Eventually one of us broke the tension and we ended up cuddling in bed. I was already feeling like a cheap piece of ass but I let it happen because I was attracted to him. We kissed a bit and did a few things that, looking back at it, I’m not proud I did after I had just met this guy but it was all worth it because we decided to try dating after that even though it was going to be long distance and hard.

Which, by the way, long distance is exhausting. But to me Alexander is worth it because I love him and he makes me happy. There are a lot of times that I think we should break up because it is so taxing but I would be so unhappy if we did that. Love is a choice and loving him is a choice I make everyday-even if I am mad at him.