We talked today for the first time in a while.
I asked what you were up to and you told me about these girls you’ve been fooling around with. I remember when I used to be that girl. The girl you would make out with and want to date. It hurt me. It hurt me a lot actually.
I didn’t expect to cry over it because I thought I was doing a good job with getting over you. Obviously I was wrong. For an hour I cried imagining you with this other girl, both of you tangled in each others arms. I wondered if it was like kissing me. If you had the same physical reactions towards her touch as you did with mine. The thoughts consumed me. They consumed me to the point that I had a breakdown in the middle of my class and had to excuse myself to go to bathroom.
You told me details about this girl- which isn’t your fault. I asked for them to compare myself to this new girl. I know it’s unhealthy. I shouldn’t be comparing myself to her. Even though you have interest in the both of us (or well in my case had interest) that doesn’t mean we are comparable. We are both different humans with different lives and personalities.
I don’t hate the new girl. In fact I don’t even hate you. I hate myself. I hate myself for crying all day over this. I hate myself for being hurt by this even though I also hurt you by telling you about my romantic endeavours. Why am I hurting so much over this? I feel ridiculous for being so emotional about the whole ordeal. I should be happy you are trying to move on, as you are with me. I should support your choices.
I feel like I can’t though. I want you to come back to me. The crazy part of me is tempted to move where you live so we can maybe work things out and get back together since it was the distance that separated us in the first place. However I know that’s ridiculous. I know that is just me thinking irrationally because as much as I hate to admit it I am terrified at the thought of people leaving me and to me this is like you permanently throwing me away now.
I don’t know what purpose this serves other than for me to ramble about the thoughts that have fogged my mind all day. I know she is probably with you now. I know she is what is taking up your time and you left our conversation hanging. I can probably assume you guys will do something tonight, it’s a valid assumption. So now I’m here, stuck in my mind trying as hard as I can to not think about the possibilities- trying not to let the pain and other emotions eat me alive. I would ask a friend to hang out for a while to get my mind off of things before I do anything irrational but they are all busy.
I guess I’m just going to have to deal with this alone for now. Maybe I’ll try to sleep but I’m scared that my dreams will be haunted with images of you and this new girl. I am lost. I don’t know what to do.