We talked today for the first time in a while.
I asked what you were up to and you told me about these girls you’ve been fooling around with. I remember when I used to be that girl. The girl you would make out with and want to date. It hurt me. It hurt me a lot actually.
I didn’t expect to cry over it because I thought I was doing a good job with getting over you. Obviously I was wrong. For an hour I cried imagining you with this other girl, both of you tangled in each others arms. I wondered if it was like kissing me. If you had the same physical reactions towards her touch as you did with mine. The thoughts consumed me. They consumed me to the point that I had a breakdown in the middle of my class and had to excuse myself to go to bathroom.
You told me details about this girl- which isn’t your fault. I asked for them to compare myself to this new girl. I know it’s unhealthy. I shouldn’t be comparing myself to her. Even though you have interest in the both of us (or well in my case had interest) that doesn’t mean we are comparable. We are both different humans with different lives and personalities.
I don’t hate the new girl. In fact I don’t even hate you. I hate myself. I hate myself for crying all day over this. I hate myself for being hurt by this even though I also hurt you by telling you about my romantic endeavours. Why am I hurting so much over this? I feel ridiculous for being so emotional about the whole ordeal. I should be happy you are trying to move on, as you are with me. I should support your choices.
I feel like I can’t though. I want you to come back to me. The crazy part of me is tempted to move where you live so we can maybe work things out and get back together since it was the distance that separated us in the first place. However I know that’s ridiculous. I know that is just me thinking irrationally because as much as I hate to admit it I am terrified at the thought of people leaving me and to me this is like you permanently throwing me away now.
I don’t know what purpose this serves other than for me to ramble about the thoughts that have fogged my mind all day. I know she is probably with you now. I know she is what is taking up your time and you left our conversation hanging. I can probably assume you guys will do something tonight, it’s a valid assumption. So now I’m here, stuck in my mind trying as hard as I can to not think about the possibilities- trying not to let the pain and other emotions eat me alive. I would ask a friend to hang out for a while to get my mind off of things before I do anything irrational but they are all busy.
I guess I’m just going to have to deal with this alone for now. Maybe I’ll try to sleep but I’m scared that my dreams will be haunted with images of you and this new girl. I am lost. I don’t know what to do.
I find it hard to trust people these days. Before I used to trust too much and got hurt all of time from the people who used that trust to get what they wanted. Thanks to them I don’t let people in anymore. It’s not like I find it hard to make personal connections, I have plenty of close friends who I care about and vice versa.
Something in me has changed recently though. I have plenty of close friends from before a certain time but now I seem to have trouble connecting with new people. I even find it hard to open up to my therapist at times and tend to hold things back from her. It’s hard for me to pinpoint the exact time that the change happened. Perhaps it was gradual, the pain from people using me building until it was an impenetrable wall.
I do know it happened very recently though- in the last year maybe. It could’ve started the day one of my close friends passed away last fall. I have had deaths in my family before but I was never very close with them so it never affected me that much. This time, with a close friend who I saw as a little sister, was different though. It was in that moment that I realized how scary and permanent death was. I know almost being 20 means that I should have realized before then and I did but I had never felt the true impact of it so strongly before. After that tragic incident I kept my friends closer and started shying away from making new friends. Maybe it was due to the fear that they too could die and hurt me as much as my dear friend.
Plus the whole parental abuse really impacted me to say the least. I should’ve known I was going to grow up with some trust issues thanks to that. Maybe I’m dumb for thinking this but aren’t your parents supposed to be the one thing you trust the most in life? That’s how I think it should be. Sadly, my parents failed me in that category.
Another possibility is when my first boyfriend broke up with me this past spring. That was the first person I ever loved and was completely vulnerable to. I told him everything about me and I gave him every part of me. He had me in the palm of his hands and I would’ve done anything for him due to the amount of pure, unadulterated love I had for him. I honestly believed he was the one which makes me feel like I sound insanely naive due to the fact that he was my first ever relationship. However I was convinced we were soulmates considering the fact that we just clicked perfectly. Our personalities complimented each other and we had similar enough interests to hold interesting conversations. Then one day he told me he never loved me; he told me he thought of me as just a friend. I was broken. He broke me. The person I gave everything to, the person I loved so deeply, was just giving up on me. Now I find it hard to open up to people in a romantic sort of way and push away anyone who seems interested. It’s because I am scared to let someone back in and then have them walk out.
Maybe I also have commitment problems that walk hand in hand with my trust issues. That makes a lot of sense. I wish I trusted people more though. I hate being so closed off. I want to be like the old me who wanted to be friends with everyone and who thought everyone was good. When did I become more cynical and jaded? Why did I become the way I am? I guess that’s what I’m trying to figure out through this whole thing. Hopefully I’m closer to finding the answer.